Bad Xan, No Biscuit
by Cloudtrader
Summary: There is a demon among the Scoobies! Well, okay, three demons if you count Spike and Anya, too. What ever shall they do? Die, of course.


TITLE: Bad Xan, No Biscuit!

AUTHOR: Jade Marmalade

FANDOM: Buffy the Vampire Slayer/Angel

SPOILERS: Don't think so. This happens after Adam but before Dawn.

PAIRING: Xander/Spike (plus some others...)

RATING: PG for language and content.

DISCLAIMER: No money is being made from this story. The characters belong to others. Not beta'd.

NOTES: The Mark of Strife is a little in-joke, a reference to one of my other stories. Ignore it. Oh, and the names Tigh and Adama are jokes, too. A cookie goes to anyone who can tell me what they're from! Sorry for mangling British slang. This isn't precisely badfic, but it's close. It's EVOL! Heh.

SUMMARY: Prophecy, the return of familiar faces, revealing a demon in their midst, yadda yadda yadda. An Evil Plan comes to fruition!

  
  


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Bad Xan, No Biscuit!

By Jade Marmalade

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When Giles took his glasses off and rubbed his eyes, things were about to go bad. When he took his glasses off, rubbed his eyes, and then shook his head, it was really bad. When he took his glasses off, rubbed his eyes, shook his head, and sighed, it was like, Apocalypse-bad. With growing terror, Willow, Tara, Anya, Spike, Buffy, and Riley watched as Giles took his glasses off, rubbed his eyes, shook his head, sighed, *and* massaged his temples while muttering under his breath.

  
  


An almost palpable aura of 'Oh shit!' permeated the room after that little display. Buffy and Willow exchanged worried glances. Tara clutched her girlfriend's hand, seeking comfort. Spike smirked, trying not to show how upset he really was. Riley just glared. Even Anya, who was usually oblivious to the subtler emotions like, oh say *all* emotions, felt the tension in the air.

  
  


"So," Willow started nervously, "What's up, Giles?"

  
  


He finished fiddling with his glasses, put them back on, and looked up. "Well, I guess we can start without Xander. I called you all here today to discuss a prophesy--"

  
  


Buffy groaned. "Oh no, not another one of *those* things!" She leaned back into Riley's embrace and buried her head in his shoulder.

  
  


Giles looked annoyed at being interrupted. "Now Buffy, you really must take this seriously. The Prophecies of Tigh are not something to be taken lightly and--"

  
  


"The Prophecies of Tigh!" Anya exclaimed. "Which one, which one!?!"

  
  


Giles grimaced at being interrupted again and frowned at the suddenly hysterical ex-Vengeance Demoness. "The Adama Cycle."

  
  


"Oh, no..." Anya breathed out and slumped in her chair, hoping no one noticed her happy smile.

  
  


"Indeed."

  
  


"Ooooo, this sounds bad!" Spike's anticipation of carnage was slightly dampened by an unusual -- for him anyway -- anxiety over the welfare of the Slayer and her friends, especially the absent whelp. If things started to get hairy, though, he was just glad that Xander wasn't there at the moment. Am I going soft? he thought to himself. He pictured ripping the Watcher's heart out and feeding it to the two witch's kitty and grinned at the lovely image that made. Nah!

  
  


Riley glared at Hostile 17 for a moment before turning to Giles. "What's the Adama Cycle?"

  
  


"I-it's untranslatable. No one has ever b-been able to read that part of the Prophecies of Tigh," said Tara. Willow bestowed a proud smile on her girlfriend and the other girl blushed.

  
  


"Yes, well, I still have a few contacts in the Watcher's Council and it appears that they've finally broken the code. The Adama Cycle is about us."

  
  


"Us?" Buffy raised an elegant eyebrow.

  
  


"Yes," Giles was flustered. He waved a hand around to indicate all the people there. "All of us. The people who help the Slayer."

  
  


"'Ey now! I'm not 'ere to 'elp the bloody Slayer!" was Spike's indignant response to that.

  
  


"Shut up, Spike!" said Buffy. "So? What does it say?"

  
  


"That there is a great evil among us that will spell our doom," Giles said.

  
  


Spike preened. "I knew it, I knew it!" he crowed, "I'm gonna kill you all 'cause I'm the Big Bad!"

  
  


"You'll be the Big Dust Stain when I'm done with you!" Buffy yelled and jumped to her feet.

  
  


"Spike! Buffy!" Giles barked. "Settle down. This is not helping matters. The prophecy specifically rules out any form of the undead as being the hidden evil."

  
  


Spike scowled and Buffy smirked.

  
  


"So wh-what does it say Mister Giles?" asked Tara.

  
  


He sighed again and quoted, "'A demon in human guise, cast out of the High Court of Hell, come to the Mouth of the Inferno, shall corrupt the Slayer after her death, shall betray the Watcher to his demons, shall give the Witches unto the Wolf...' et cetera, et cetera. That's the relevant part. The Council believes that the prophecy means that one of us is this demon."

  
  


Everyone turned and stared at Anya. "What!? I'm not evil anymore! Geeze!" She crossed her arms and glared at them, hoping they didn't see through her acting. "It could be Riley or Tara. They're the newest ones here!"

  
  


Buffy and Willow clutched their respective lovers and yelled "No!"

  
  


"Anya, please," Giles said. "Everyone, let's not start making baseless accusations. The prophecy goes on to state that we will know this demon by a Mark."

  
  


"His name is Mark?" asked Buffy, confused.

  
  


Giles rolled his eyes. "No, the demon in disguise *has* a Mark. More specifically, the Mark of Strife... um, no, wait... Sorry wrong fic-er-prophecy." The gang looked at the frazzled Watcher in bewilderment. He shuffled some papers, pushed his glasses up again, and continued. "Ah, right, here it is. The Mark is shaped like a V with a line through it, or an upside-down A. It should be very distinctive."

  
  


"Well, *I* certainly don't have an icky Mark on me!" Buffy exclaimed. "And neither does Riley. I've seen all of him, and while he has some very cute dimples on his butt, there are no Marks."

  
  


"Yeah," Riley said weekly, wondering why Buffy was channeling Anya.

  
  


"Neither Tara nor I have anything like that," said Willow.

  
  


"Don't look at me, I'm Mark-less!" Anya continued to glare at everyone.

  
  


The two couples turned to look at Giles. He flushed. "I-I can assure you, I am not the one with the Mark."

  
  


"How can we be sure?" asked Anya. "None of us have ever seen you naked. You're going to have to strip."

  
  


"I sure that won't be necessary..."

  
  


"You're right," Xander's voice interrupted Giles, "it won't be. I have the Mark."

  
  


Everyone turned to look at Xander. He was leaning against Giles' front door negligently, a totally evil smirk on his face. His doofus-clothes were gone, replaced by black leather and silver studs. His hair was wafting around his head as if by a strong wind, but there wasn't even so much as a breeze. His eyes glowed red.

  
  


"Xander...?" Willow whispered, aghast.

  
  


"Finally!" Anya jumped up with a look of delight on her face. "I'm done here, right? And we're totally even for that little incident in Istanbul?"

  
  


"Yep," answered Xander. "Thanks, Anyanka, for putting up with all this. Couldn't have done it without you running interference while I learned their weaknesses and gathered everything I needed."

  
  


"Yeah, well, I'm going now. I have *so* much to do! There's this man in Berlin who *needs* to be covered in maggot-infested boils for what he did to his wife. See you!" She changed into her horrifying demon-form and disappeared in a swirl of sulfur.

  
  


"Bye Ahn!"

  
  


"What's going on here!?!" Buffy jumped up from the couch. The others rose as well, even though the stunned expressions hadn't completely gone away. Spike was just as confused as the rest. Who was this incredibly sexy, evil-looking person with Xander's face? "Giles, did something possess Xander?" she asked.

  
  


A chuckle sounded from behind Xander and another man came into the room. He looked younger than the rest of them, with dark hair and a lanky frame. "Oh no, the Xand-man, has always been evil." The boy's face changed as he let his demon out. "He's just smarter and more patient than most of the yahoos you guys usually face."

  
  


Xander grinned. "Thanks Jesse."

  
  


Willow sagged to the floor, Tara barely managing to catch her. "Oh Jesse..." she sobbed.

  
  


"Hiya, Will! Long time no see. Sorry about letting you think I was dust, but you know, part of the Evil Plan and all."

  
  


"Okay, that's all I need to know. You're dust, fangy!" Buffy, her Slayer instincts at the forefront, leapt forward toward Jesse. She was still unsure what to do about Xander, she was his friend after all, but vampires she could deal with. With Mr. Pointy in hand, she prepared to dust him... but froze. Xander made a rather lewd gesture and suddenly Buffy couldn't move.

  
  


"I know you still want Cordelia, Jesse, but will the Buffster do until we get to LA?" asked Xander while Buffy struggled futilely to move.

  
  


"Oh yeah!" The vampire moved forward and sank his fangs into the Slayer's neck.

  
  


"NO!" Riley yelled and started to charge the Jesse. With another offhand wave of his hands, Xander turned him into a bunny.

  
  


Spike was watching all this with glee, but he was also uneasy. What would Xander do to him? He eyed Riley the Rabbit hungrily. He still owed the ex-soldier for all the torture the Initiative put him through. His chip prevented him from hurting humans, but bunnies...? He'd have to test that out.

  
  


Meanwhile, Giles finally made his move. He'd been inching toward a convenient battle-axe that just happened to be laying around his apartment. He dove forward, grabbing the weapon, and coming up to save his Slayer. He wasn't quite sure how it happened, but in less than the blink of an eye, Xander was between him and the vampire killing Buffy. Xander knocked the axe out of his hands and seized the Watcher, holding him immobile with inhuman strength.

  
  


"Sorry G-man, but I can't let you hurt Jesse. Don't worry about Buffy, she'll always have a place as a minion with me and mine." Giles was terrified. The man holding him *was* Xander. The voice, the words, even the big grin. But the eyes... Xander's eyes were windows into Hell. He went limp. He couldn't break Xander's grasp and he wasn't even sure if he could hurt the other man if he could - wasn't sure if he could hurt the boy he'd considered a surrogate-son.

  
  


"Xander, let him go!" Willow yelled. She and Tara were off the floor, holding hands, channeling power.

  
  


"Sorry Willow, no can do." Xander shrugged, still holding Giles.

  
  


Willow and her girlfriend started to chant. An aura of power rose around them as they prepared to blast their former friend, but before they could complete their spell, a blur bound in through the front door and tackled them. Before they could do anything else, the hairy figure had slapped collars around the necks of both witches. They sat on the floor, stunned, as they felt their power ebb way, drained by the golden collars.

  
  


"Good job, Oz!" Xander said, pleased.

  
  


Oz sat back and licked his lips. He transformed back until he was mostly human-looking, but his face was still feral and he still had claws. "The collars will hold them?"

  
  


"Yep," Xander grinned.

  
  


"Good." Oz crawled over to the two dazed witches and stroked Willow's leg. "They're mine now. All mine. My very own witches. Pretty."

  
  


Xander beamed at his werewolf friend and turned his attention back to Giles. Spike stared at Oz as the werewolf attached chains to the two collars like leashes. Oz casually slit Tara's shirt open with a razor-sharp claw. The eyes of the two witches were blank, but they were nothing compared to Oz's eyes. Spike recognized the look in the werewolf's eyes from over a century of dealing with Dru. The boy was completely insane, and Xander had just given him some new toys to play with. Spike shuddered, but it wasn't totally in revulsion. Lust figured in there somewhere, too.

  
  


Xander addressed his captive. "Did you know that your father put a spell on you, Giles? You were rather wild in your youth, right? Didn't want to be the proper Watcher he needed. So he... changed you. I'm going to set you free."

  
  


Xander leaned in and kissed the older man on the lips. There was a flash of light and a green cloud of vapor rose out of Giles, collecting over his head and disappearing. Xander released him and stepped back. Giles blinked a few times and then laughed.

  
  


"Oh my dear boy, I feel *so* much better now! Bloody marvelous! Fuck, I was a total nerk! Can't wait to get back to London and loon about. Thank you, Xander. I'm going to have a completely utterly brill time!"

  
  


"No problem, Ripper. If you decide to kill your father, take out the rest of the Watcher's Council while you're at it, okay? Oh, and say hi to Ethan for me!"

  
  


"Right. I have to pack. And get out of this tweed!" Ripper shook his head and turned away to go upstairs, but then turned back to Xander. "What'll you do with them, then?" he asked, waving his hands at the tableaus of Jesse with Buffy and Oz nuzzling Tara's stomach while petting Willow's hair.

  
  


"Don't worry about them, they'll be happy with me," Xander said. "Oz'll take care of Willow and Tara, keep them out of magical trouble and all that. He won't even hurt them too much. They'll learn to like it. And Jesse will be a good Sire for Buffy. But Riley, well..."

  
  


"Eh," Ripper interrupted, "never liked the arsehole anyway. Just take care of my girls."

  
  


"Will do!" Xander replied. Giles left to pack and Xander finally turned his attention to Spike.

  
  


The vampire was frankly sweating. Well, figuratively sweating. He'd never been exactly nice to the whelp, er, Xander. He got to his feet nervously, absently kicking Riley-bunny while he was at it. "Er, I'll just be going now. It's been fun!" He inched his way toward the door. He wasn't stupid enough to try and take on someone who'd frozen the Slayer in her tracks, turned Riley into a rabbit, and restrained Giles like he was nothing.

  
  


"Oh no, before I let you leave, I have a proposal for you." Xander stalked toward the vampire, his leather creaking, his grin sexy as hell. Xander stopped very close to Spike and put his hands on the vampires chest, fondling his nipples. "I've wanted you since your bastard of a Sire offered me up to you as a snack. I want to hurt you, I want to make you scream. I want you to fuck me raw. What do you say? Join me. I'll get that nasty chip out of your head and we'll go on spree. Make the streets run with blood, desecrate a few churches, kill some demon-hunters, suck the souls out of helpless innocents, that sort of thing. Oh, and we'll be going to LA. Jesse want Cordy and I want Deadboy inside a dustvac." Xander pulled Spike in for an incredibly hot kiss, and raked his hands down the vampire's side to come to rest on his hips. Xander ground his groin into Spike's and then pulled away. "Well?"

  
  


Spike looked into those evil eyes and said the first thing that popped into his head. "Can I be the one to kill Angel?"

  
  


"Sure."

  
  


"Cool."

  
  


Xander grinned and kissed his prize again. Then turned, collected his minions and their new toys and led them all out into the night. There were things to do, people to kill, and Xander couldn't wait to get started. On the way out the door, he casually zapped Riley back to human and watched with pleasure as Jesse's newly made fledgling tackled her former boyfriend and ripped his throat out. Life was good.

  
  


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The End

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End file.
